Listening to my clients and supervisees, many friends, and pondering on my personal life as well, it was a while my reflections have straight gone to how many choices we make in our life without a personal and good reflection.
A choice could be a consequence of a sudden event in life, but mostly it is done without thinking too much of what you do really want or perceive or feel. Many times it is done because of “all people do it” or “because it’s the right time for…”.
A real choice starts to be reflected when a teen should think of University or, of which High school is the best for them, or about a job offer, of a co-living with a partner, or a wedding, having babies, a separation.
So, mumbling, within me, my eyes began to show me a tree: the tree where branches are the intersections of choices we should make in life.
The Birthday isn’t a choice, or at least how we think of a choice, in fact, you can see on my drawing that there is an x white line: under it, anybody can choose, over it many small choices take a person along with his/her/their life.
Roots have been made by a long chain of lives:
Mother and Father
Relatives from both families
While a child is growing up, going to a diverse level of schools, started the fact to make a choice:
◊ Depending on the family’s and cultural environment’s values, toys become a choice: “I like playing with… but I understood it’s better to not”
◊ Which toys do I use?
◊ Do I like what my friends like?
◊ I like singing and dancing or anything else… but…
When the child becomes a teen, other choices wait for a person:
Ø Should I follow this/these friend/friends?
Ø Should I go out with this group?
Ø Should I follow this behaviour?
Ø Am I fine with this sex? (did you ask that to yourself?)
Ø How should I treat myself?
Ø Which school should I choose? = that one I desire?
Does that one common sense suggest?
That one too far?
Then, reaching adulthood, you can choose regarding:
± A partner: should I get married to her/him/they?
± A job
± Having babies
± A separation
± A life change with moving to a new city or abroad.
As you can see on the tree, there are many choices to do in personal life; not all of those are up to you, sometimes it’s Life that pushes you to make a choice, but commonly these are the decisions people I worked with have to think of.
What my observation noticed is that no many of us included me, paid sufficient attention to many of those choices: too much often a person makes a choice because of some common attitudes, some common point of views, or not feel different from anyone, because all people in that Country, land, family have done the same.
Does it sound familiar to you?
I think it does! 😉
In your personal story-life when you ponder about this, it appears very clearly how many choices have been done without paying good attention to what you did really want or feel.
It is a lesson from life, not a fault or a mistake, we are all learning by experiences, we have no another way to learn how to live a good life for ourselves, even somebody could give you some wise advice, you only learn going across a real personal experience.
This blog is right to comprehend how to make a good choice by now, without being afraid by the past. Instead of that, you can keep in mind what you did learn from the past choices for making a good one by now.
Your past is your teacher, you didn’t choose some part of that, as you can see in the tree, you can choose now where you want to go and who you want to be.
This is big freedom to choose: keep in mind what you did for avoiding some ways that have driven you to a not enough good choice, observed by your actual eyes. If you observe your choice by the past eyes, you can understand it was the best choice you have been able to do.
Maybe you were alone to do that, you didn’t have a wise adult that could drive you towards yourself, or you were so angry and so sad that you just wanted to get away from a situation that made you suffer a lot, only you can understand what was the reason because of you made a choice not good for yourself.
Now, you are able to learn from all of your past decisions, as if you are doing a list:
To Do — Not To Do, that’s the real lesson from your life. It isn’t about to blame yourself or to feel you are not good or you did all that wrong, this attitude belongs to your need to criticize yourself.
Don’t waste your energy doing that, you were just learning and learning to live takes years, it isn’t a lesson anyone can learn in a blink of an eye, it needs efforts, commitment, observation and a lot of experiences, anybody could live at your place.
The exercise to reflect on the past choices is useful for understanding what To do, for making a good choice when you feel the necessity to give a turning point in your Life. For doing a list of what not to do as well.
This is an activity for enhancing your relationship with yourself, to comprehend your feelings, your needs, your sensations at the time you are reflecting on that. It is a good way to get in touch with yourself for improving your deep and personal dialogue within you.
Good questions like:
* What did I feel at that moment?
* What did I think of that or the other one?
* Did I listen to myself at that time? Could I understand why not or why yes?
* If I were able what would have chosen?
* Am I glad about the consequences of that choice, not so much, not at all, so and so?
This is a training for understanding and enhancing your actual ability to make a good choice for you now, reflecting on what you do feel now, what you did learn from yourself by listening to you and observing your sensations, your body language, your thoughts.
Those questions are a new instrument for boosting your self-esteem, for a compassioned sight towards your capacities and how to use all of them for making your life the life you would want now by the person you are and by your real needs.
They are the opposite of a critical attitude towards yourself, they are a gentle manner to go deeper into your personal way to feel, instead of a judgmental approach, which makes you feel in a negative light.
How many times did you go to the past thinking: If only I have done that instead of this?
Now, it is the right time for doing that instead of the this you did because you didn’t know yourself…